BettePinkerton.com

There's right way
and wrong way
to offer criticism

By Mary Lynne Heldmann
Special to the Register

According to Confucius, "Not to enlighten one who can be enlightened is to waste a man; to endeavor to enlighten one who cannot be enlightened is to waste words. The intelligent man wastes neither his man nor his words."

Most people believe giving criticism is tough. Why? In fact, there are a number of reasons why we procrastinate or avoid giving criticism.

1. We don't like to rock the boat. We see criticism as an invitation to conflict, so we tend to avoid it. Even when gnawing problems are hurting relationships, job performance or the ability to grow, we do not address them. We prefer to ignore these problems and hope they will go away.

2. We feel uncomfortable when we give criticism. Because we feel uncomfortable when we receive criticism, we project those feelings of discomfort onto the person we want or need to confront. Our assumption that the other person will react badly keeps us from giving criticism.

3. Giving criticism takes time. We think that giving careful, constructive criticism is so time-consuming that we would rather avoid it and pick up the slack ourselves. This problem is prevalent among managers who believe that reminding employees to do their jobs is more time-consuming and difficult than doing it themselves.

4. We believe that giving criticism does not work. Because we procrastinate about giving criticism, when we finally do speak up our uncomfortable feelings have grown so str4ong that we must let off steam. The criticism is given in the heat of the moment, thoughtlessly and badly. Therefore, the experience tells us that giving criticism does not work.

Giving criticism is easier when we recognize its worth. The following is a list of benefits that can result from effective criticism.

1. Criticism uncovers problems. It does not create them. It is far better to bring problems out in the open than to let them accumulate and harm a relationship, a job, performance or an individual's effectiveness. Calling attention to problems is the first step in solving them.

2. Criticism saves time in the long run, especially on the job. A manager might invest time in observing and talking to his or her staff, but the alternative is allowing problems to go unsolved. Then the manager sacrifices efficiency and is not doing the job properly.

3. Careful, thoughtful criticism stops the buildup of uncomfortable, unhealthy feelings. Consistent, ongoing criticism is far better than than an accumulation of destructive feelings that eventually will need to be vented.

4. Criticism encourages learning and growth. Without feedback and criticism our efforts could be less effective and less successful.

The "TACTful" message

Preparing your criticisms according to the following model will give you an excellent chance of getting your message across. There are four elements in a "TACTful" message:

Tell: Talk about the other person's behavior.

Affect: Describe how the behavior affects you, the relationship or organization.

Change: request a change in the behavior.

Trade-off: State the positive consequences of a change in behavior.

Tell

Before you can tell the other person what the unwanted behavior is, you must observe both the action and the spoken word carefully. Then describe the specific action and/or statement to the person. Do not describe what the person does not do; stick to what he or she does do. Be sure to address behavior, not attitudes. Behavior is objective; attitude is subjective. also, include the frequency of the action.

Do not use words such as "always" and "never" when describing the behavior. If you do, the other person is likely to become defensive and tell you about the one time he or she did not behave in the way you have just described. Be sure to remain calm and non-judgmental. Address only one unwanted behavior at a time.

For example, a statement such as "You never listen to me" could be improved: "Frequently when we have discussions, such as yesterday and this morning, you interrupt me or look around as I am speaking."

Affect

Let the person you are criticizing know how the behavior affects you, the relationship or the organization. Express how you feel about the troublesome behavior, not what you think about the behavior or the person. Take responsibility for your own feelings. Do not say, "That makes me feel..." Remember, no one makes you feel anything.

Do not say "I feel that..." when you mean "I think that..." Just because you use the word "feel" does not mean you are talking about feelings. When you describe your feelings use words such as hurt, angry or frustrated.

Change

Tell the other person what you want him or her to do in place of the troublesome behavior. Limit your request to one or two specific actions. Do not be overbearing or dictatorial. Be responsive to the other person. Ask for feedback or agreement. Perhaps you will need to change your behavior in this situation too.

For instance, saying "I want you to pay attention to me for a change!" probably will not be as effective as "Please make eye contact when I am talking and wait until I finish my thought before you speak. You might try taking a moment to think before you respond. Does that make sense to you?"

When you are specific about the change you want you can monitor the other person's progress. If Carl does homework for only half an hour instead of the hour you agreed on, tell him. If Lynn interrupts, tell her right on the spot. Simply give the information; do not get emotional or lecture.

Trade-off

State what the other person is apt to gain by changing his or her behavior. Think carefully about what the other person wants, what will truly motivate him or her, keeping in mind that people are more apt to be motivated by reward than by punishment.

If you have spoken about this problem previously and think it is necessary to mention negative consequences, then do so, but first try a TACTful message with positive consequences. In all cases, avoid threats; they only lead to counterthreats and arguments.