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May 10, 1994

Dear RuLena, Gary, Debbie, Geoff, and Michelle,

Having spent time alone with some of you (RuLena, Gary, Geoff and Jason) during our visit to Salt Lake in April, I became more aware of the painful division within your family. Even though I am not a member of your immediate family, I still am an extension of the family; I love all of you and I am concerned for each of you. I am writing this letter in an attempt to suggest a means by which you might be able to initiate a dialogue. Sometimes a person who is not so close nor so emotionally immersed in the situation, can help to establish a focus on the issues on which to begin.

I realize the potential consequences of involving myself in so personal a family matter, but I think if there is any way I can possibly help, it is a risk worth taking. I am not so presumptuous, however, to thing I have the answers. My hope is that each of you will find common ground allowing you to begin to rebuild your family relationships. Though it may seem overwhelming, they say the longest journey begins with a simple step.

I truly believe it is possible to find common ground, no matter what the conflict, if each person has the desire and the willingness to make the effort. When we were in Salt Lake, RuLena, Gary and Geoff indicated, in their own way, such a desire, but each also indicated they did not know HOW or WHERE to begin. As I stated, I don't have the answers, just the belief that it is worth the effort and if each is willing to compromise, progress can be made. I deal with conflice management daily in my classroom and though the problems may be different, the same principles of problem solving apply.

Based on what I have learned from conversations with you, the major problems seem to be concerning (1) things that have been either said or done in the past and have never been resolved by discussion, etc. (2) Homosexuality (3) the LDS Religion. I believe that if the following conditions of compromise can be accepted by each of you, and you are willing to give it a try, a meaningful dialogue among all of you is possible:

1. I am told that there are many unresolved issues that trouble some of you. It is unfortunate that these issues were not addressed and resolved at the time they occurred; however, it seems to me that it would be in no one's best interest to bring painful past circumstances to the surface in an effort to resolve those issues now. It would be extremely time consuming and most certainly create unwanted roadblocks. I believe, based on my own experiences, that the past should be forgiven, forgotten, and left in the past where it belongs. Perhaps doing a dialogue by mail will lesson the possibility of unresolved frustration being expressed in explosive, hurtful, unproductive ways. In the classroom I have never seen a problem solved through confrontation, only by thoughtful negotiations and compromise.

2. As for Geoff's homosexuality, I feel this should not be an issue. It just is! I can't conceive of anyone deliberately choosing this difficult lifestyle. I sincerely believe that God loves all of his children unconditionally just as he expects us to love our children unconditionally. Though the scriptures do not support this, I cannot find it in my heart to believe that God would create such a problem for his children and then condemn them for it. I know all of you do not agree with my rational. My belief is more from the perspective of a teacher and a parent rather than a religious orientation. I feel that homosexuality is not a resolvable conflict. Everyone needs to come to grips with this issue in their own way, if not already done, and not allow it to be a point of contention.

3. Just as homosexuality is a part of your life, Geoff, The LDS Religion is a part of each of your family member's lives. They should not be expected to change their religion just as you shouldn't be expected to change your lifestyle.

I realize that none of what I have written here is new to any of you, but I am hopeful that upon each of you seeing these issues summarized on paper, it may make them seem less insurmountable. In any event, this gives you the opportunity to "officially" respond, and perhaps, move forward.

I hope this letter is accepted in the spirit in which it is written. I pray that it will serve as a vehicle to initiate positive communication among all of you. Please carefully consider it, and when you've made your decision, write a letter sending copies to each of your family members. Hopefully, the replies will all be positive in nature in order for each of you to reconstruct your family ties.

We all are the sum total of our own personal genetics, needs, desires, personal experiences, etc. None of us can meet all of another's needs or expectations, and no one can expect us to. For this reason, we need to have other friends and family members with whom we can relate as well as our immediate family. Each of us must learn to accept each person for who they are and what they are able to give. We cannot expect or demand others to change who they are and what they are, for us. In every family there are conflicts and the way we deal with them is the measure of our character.

Gary, Nita, and I, along with our spouses, have entered the scary world of the "Oldest Generation". Some of us will soon reach our 60th (not me, of course! ha, ha). With this new phase of life comes the realization of how short life is, how precious it can be, and how important the love and support of our family is to each of us. To quote one of the dearest people I've ever known and with whom I had so little "appreciated" time--our mother, Nanny, to some of you, "Our relationships need to be nurtured like the flowers in our garden".

With my love and best wishes,

   Aunt Bette Jo

 
 
Enclosures: RESPONSES TO CONFLICT Used with permission Alternatives to Violence, a Manual for Teachers, 1987 Peace Grows, Inc., 475 W. Market St., Akron, Ohio 44303

THERE'S RIGHT WAY AND WRONG WAY TO OFFER CRITICISM By Mary Lynne Heldmann, Special to the Register, © 1989 Mary Lynne Heldmann

PROBLEM REPORT/SOLUTION REPORT Permission to Reprint for Classroom Use. © 1989 by Michele Borba, Esteem Builders, Jalmar Press

OUR CIVIL RIGHTS

LORD, MAKE A REGULAR MAN OUT OF ME

 

      
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