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May 10, 1994 Dear RuLena, Gary, Debbie, Geoff, and Michelle, Having spent time alone with some of you (RuLena, Gary, Geoff and Jason) during our visit to Salt Lake in April, I became more aware of the painful division within your family. Even though I am not a member of your immediate family, I still am an extension of the family; I love all of you and I am concerned for each of you. I am writing this letter in an attempt to suggest a means by which you might be able to initiate a dialogue. Sometimes a person who is not so close nor so emotionally immersed in the situation, can help to establish a focus on the issues on which to begin. I realize the potential consequences of involving myself in so personal a family matter, but I think if there is any way I can possibly help, it is a risk worth taking. I am not so presumptuous, however, to thing I have the answers. My hope is that each of you will find common ground allowing you to begin to rebuild your family relationships. Though it may seem overwhelming, they say the longest journey begins with a simple step. I truly believe it is possible to find common ground, no matter what the conflict, if each person has the desire and the willingness to make the effort. When we were in Salt Lake, RuLena, Gary and Geoff indicated, in their own way, such a desire, but each also indicated they did not know HOW or WHERE to begin. As I stated, I don't have the answers, just the belief that it is worth the effort and if each is willing to compromise, progress can be made. I deal with conflice management daily in my classroom and though the problems may be different, the same principles of problem solving apply. Based on what I have learned from conversations with you, the major problems seem to be concerning (1) things that have been either said or done in the past and have never been resolved by discussion, etc. (2) Homosexuality (3) the LDS Religion. I believe that if the following conditions of compromise can be accepted by each of you, and you are willing to give it a try, a meaningful dialogue among all of you is possible:
I realize that none of what I have written here is new to any of you, but I am hopeful that upon each of you seeing these issues summarized on paper, it may make them seem less insurmountable. In any event, this gives you the opportunity to "officially" respond, and perhaps, move forward. I hope this letter is accepted in the spirit in which it is written. I pray that it will serve as a vehicle to initiate positive communication among all of you. Please carefully consider it, and when you've made your decision, write a letter sending copies to each of your family members. Hopefully, the replies will all be positive in nature in order for each of you to reconstruct your family ties. We all are the sum total of our own personal genetics, needs, desires, personal experiences, etc. None of us can meet all of another's needs or expectations, and no one can expect us to. For this reason, we need to have other friends and family members with whom we can relate as well as our immediate family. Each of us must learn to accept each person for who they are and what they are able to give. We cannot expect or demand others to change who they are and what they are, for us. In every family there are conflicts and the way we deal with them is the measure of our character. Gary, Nita, and I, along with our spouses, have entered the scary world of the "Oldest Generation". Some of us will soon reach our 60th (not me, of course! ha, ha). With this new phase of life comes the realization of how short life is, how precious it can be, and how important the love and support of our family is to each of us. To quote one of the dearest people I've ever known and with whom I had so little "appreciated" time--our mother, Nanny, to some of you, "Our relationships need to be nurtured like the flowers in our garden".
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